for the birds.

Tried to get into the "loving spirit" a bit better this year.

Was making cookies and brownies and fudge and stuff for all my friends.

Cookies didn't turn out very good.
Fudge didn't seem to turn out at all.
Couldn't find the stuff I needed for the peppermint patties.
Don't have time for the peanut butter balls, nor do I have enough of the dipping chocolate.

Was going to just stick with the brownies, since I can normally do pretty well with those.
But I don't seem to have enough stuff left to do the brownies now.

So I've got all these people planning on meeting me in between their classes and work and all that stuff.
And I have nothing.

Bah.

Finally got all the results back.
I was getting a bit worried because it was taking so long.
But they said everything came back really good.
I'm clean.
No cancer. No babies. No diseases.
I have to go back in a couple more months to be tested again.
So that they can monitor everything and make sure nothing comes up.
I've still not been feeling very well.
But at least all that's out of the way for a while.

Yesterday they did a pelvic ultrasound.
All the girl could tell me about it then was that one of my ovaries and my uterus were backwards and tilted downward.
Today I had a follow-up and had to do some more tests.
My uterus is heart-shaped.
The muscles are growing inward, like it's caving in.
It will make it very hard for me to ever have a baby.
I still have to wait for few more days for the results from the rest of the tests.

I swear God is punishing me for something.
But I have no idea what I could have done that was bad enough to be worth all this.
But it will get better.
Right?

My belly hurts.
I can't sleep.
I'm getting so hungry.
I really wish I could just go to sleep.

I started hurting really badly a few months ago.
I thought it would get better, but it just kept getting worse.
I tried going to the doctor about it one day, but they couldn't get me in for like two weeks.
I was having a really bad day that day anyway, and I was writing a letter to no one inparticular trying to vent some stuff that had built up pretty badly inside me.
I got into some drinks that my bf had in the kitchen.
And I had taken some pain medication that I had been given by the doctor for my stomach cramps, thinking it might help the pain a bit.
I'm not a drinker. And I hadn't been able to eat anything in several hours.
I got a bit carried away with the alcohol. And then took some more pills without really thinking about what I was doing.
I overdosed on them. Badly. And of course, with a bit too much alcohol in my system.
I went to sleep on the couch.
Then later I could barely stand up and ending up falling over in the floor because I was hurting so badly.
Mom took me to the emergency room.
They thought they were going to have to pump my stomach.
They said my bf waking me up when he came in from work probably saved my life.
They did some tests on me to find out why I was hurting so badly.
It turned out that my cervix was badly infected.
But they didn't know why or how or anything.
They gave me some antibiotics and said it should clear up.
But it did only for like a week.
And then it came back much worse.
They said that it could turn into cancer.
They said that I may not be able to have kids.
They can't figure out what's causing it. Or why it keeps getting so much worse.
I've never been in so much pain in my life.
They are watching for it to turn into cancer.
They told me that I could be facing a hysterectomy before I turn 19.
My bf and I broke up not long after the first hospital visit when I overdosed.
But we've been talking and working things out since then.
So it's kinda like we're together and everything again, but just without the "titles" right now.
In the midst of all this, things got a bit too carried away....
Not only did this hurt me very badly physically and make things worse down there, it got to me very badly emotionally as well because I wasn't ready for it, it caused some majorly bad flashbacks of when I was raped, and I had promised myself that I would wait until marriage.
Now, not only am I facing cancer and a hysterectomy...
the doctors think I'm pregnant with a baby that my body can't carry.
Today they found out that my uterus and one of my ovaries are backwards.
But I have to wait until tomorrow to find out anything more than that.

All of this, and a nerve disorder that messes with my breathing, before I'm even 19.

I've never been in so much pain in my life.
Even being repeatedly raped when I was four didn't compare to this.

But something good will come.
And things will get better.
Right?